Friday, December 28, 2007

Who says life is fair?

Hubby gets ready:

1. Run bath
2. Trim beard
3. Get in bath
4. Use soap
5. Use shampoo
6. Get out of bath
7. Dry
8. Apply deodorant

I get ready:

1. Run bath
2. Get in bath
3. Use shampoo
4. Use conditioner
5. File feet
6. Use body scrub
7. Shave under arms
8. Shave legs
9. Shave bikini line
10. Use soap
11. Plug in shower attachment and clean debris from all of the above off self and tub
12. Get out of bath
13. Dry
14. Apply hair straightening balm
15. Apply face moisturizer
16. Apply body moisturizer
17. Apply deodorant
18. Use normal hairdryer to reach 50% dryness
19. Use special hairdryer with straightening attachment to reach 100% dryness
20. Use straightening irons
21. Sit in front of fan to settle hair
22. Apply finishing spray to hair
23. Pluck eyebrows
24. Apply dye to eyebrows and lashes
25. Clean up hair from bathroom floor and counter tops
26. Remove dye from eyebrows and lashes
27. Apply makeup

And that, my friends, is just a normal day. By someone who is in the middle of reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth, no less. At least I know to say it myself before someone else has to: SUCKER!

Friday, December 07, 2007

An Omaha news channel ( writes today about the 19-year-old who opened fire in Westroads Mall on Wednesday, killing eight and injuring several others.

The article is presented under the header of State Spent $265K On Hawkins' Care. In it, we are given a detailed run-down of the various “services” this troubled youth received during the four years in which he was a state ward.

I probably don’t need to tell you how distasteful, even disgraceful, I find this kind of rhetoric. What exactly is the point? Giving the tax payer an opportunity to scoff: “Dude, I could have paid off my mortgage with that money and instead they spent it on a killer”?

Even more irritating (to say the least) is that yet again no mention is made of the insanity of American gun laws. Every time one of these lost young souls goes on a killing spree, the fact that none of it would have happened had the weapon not been readily available from Daddy’s gun cabinet is ignored—all because of a bunch of rednecks trying to compensate for… well, yeah.

The only interesting/enlightening part of this article is where you get to find out that there is actually a formal diagnosis called “oppositional defiant disorder”. Don’t ask me why, but something about it felt strangely familiar. So I looked it up, and here are the symptoms:

• Throwing repeated temper tantrums
• Excessively arguing with adults
• Actively refusing to comply with requests and rules
• Deliberately trying to annoy or upset others, or being easily annoyed by others
• Blaming others for your mistakes
• Having frequent outbursts of anger and resentment
• Being spiteful and seeking revenge
• Swearing or using obscene language
• Saying mean and hateful things when upset

Yep. I knew it. Out of the 9 symptoms listed, I have at least 7, which I guess means I now know what is wrong with me. And with about 99% of my fellow Europeans. On the other side of the water, you see, being oppositional and defiant is a lifestyle. Over here, it is a disease.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Today’s food tally, so far

Breakfast: Two hard-boiled eggs and two tablespoons of salsa in a tortilla wrap – 300 calories

Mid-morning snack: Six "chocolate melties” designed to be used in candy making - 100 calories

Lunch: Can of Zesty Gumbo soup – 200 calories

Mid-afternoon snack: - one mini blueberry bagel and a small pile of Christmas colored M&Ms – 200 calories

Total calories so far: 800
Total calories made up of chocolate or wine so far: 220

Calories left to consume today: 700
Calories left to consume made up of chocolate or wine today: 80

Target number of calories per day: 1500
Target number of calories made up of chocolate or wine per day: 300 maximum, or 20%

Hm. Looks to be going OK, except I blew my chocolate/wine ration already.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Plastic Jesus reports this morning on a British teacher, Gillian Gibbons, who may face being whipped in Sudan after allowing her class to name a teddy bear Mohammed. This is apparently considered blasphemy in the muslim world--I guess something akin to taking the Lord's name in vain. Considering that 80% of the male muslim population seems to be called Mohammed anyway, this does seem a little pedantic to me, but what do I know.

In any case, if it is decided that Ms Gibbons acted in good faith, she will likely be absolved with a caution not to do it again. One might feel that the parents who reported her to the authorities could have chosen the more pious route of simply giving her their own caution, but I guess setting an example to their kids that snitching is a sin was not a priority to them.

Anyway, all of this reminds me of the little plastic Jesus figure that very blasphemously sits on my bedside table. Blasphemously because he is there as a joke--I do not believe in Jesus, and my husband gave me the toy because of my liking for the song Plastic Jesus. This song has been performed by many artists, but the best version is of course the one by The Levellers--see video below. If you want to see what my plastic toy looks like (oo-er missus), check the much worse version by Billy Idol (also below).

And a good, blasphemous morning to y'all.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Harvest moon

Doing the school run this morning, I spotted a large, almost transparent orb low in the sky, seemingly perched between two Rocky Mountain peaks. Having watched too many TV programs about the paranormal lately, it took me a moment to readjust my mind from "sh*t, the aliens are coming" to "my, the moon sure looks peculiar this morning".

Jumping up and down with excitement in the driver's seat, I pointed it out to the kids. The four-year-old said, with a voice that bore the tiredness of someone used to conversing with an imbecille: "Looks to me like a harvest moon".

Well, I say. You learn something new every day. It says something when you are learning it from your preschooler, but at least I could smugly comfort myself with the fact that she doesn't yet know the first thing about Neil Young.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Get your own identity


Do you happen to be one of these people who lack a personal e-mail address of their own? Do you instead use one that you SHARE with your significant other? You know the kind I mean:

Or perhaps you decided to include the whole family in this neat little display of over-attachment:

Maybe you have a MySpace or Facebook profile, where your main profile picture proudly includes you AND your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, clinging to each other and grinning as if to say "WE SHARE EVERYTHING, EVEN OUR ONLINE IDENTITY".

If you are one of these people I have one thing to say to you: Please stop. Now.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Sound familiar to anyone?

Plans are in the making to go to a family friendly party with hubby and kids.

Official start time for party: 3 PM
Our estimated time of arrival, after first dealing with son’s soccer game and daughter's skating lesson: 5 PM

I get a phone call from hubby. The conversation goes like this:

Hubby: You know that party we’re going to?

Me: I do.

Hubby: Well, I just spoke to the host, and he said we really ought to get there for 3 PM, when it starts. All the fun stuff is going to start happening right away.

Me: Oh. So what do you want to do? Skip soccer and skating?

Hubby: Oh, no, no, that’s not what I meant, no.

Me: What did you mean then?

Hubby: What do you mean, what did I mean?

Me: Why are you calling me to say we should be there at 3 PM, if we’re still not going to be there until 5 PM?

Hubby: I just thought I’d let you know.

Me: You thought you’d just let me know we’re going to be late?

Hubby: Jeez! What’s WRONG with you?

Da blog is back!

Now with shorter, snappier, more regular but no less rampant posts.

The blog has been asleep for over a year (dude, it's probably more like two years) while I've been hanging out on MySpace and Facebook. Networking, schmetworking--enough with the glittery wall posts already. I'd rather just keep on shouting blindly into cyberspace.

It's Friday, it's a crisp October afternoon in Pleasantville and I am headed down to Spirit Halloween to get my costume before they only have Elvis and Marilyn left. Whatchathink I should get?